Self-care is not always what you think...

Reader

Yesterday with a client we were talking about self-care and what that could be and most importantly what it means to her.

This came up when she told me how her day involved taking care of everyone else and IF there was time leftover to take a minute to rest.

This client is a very kind, patient and caring person and is clearly very passionate​ about both her work and her family. These things are valuable to her, so it makes complete sense that she operates the way she does.

The only problem is, there is a problem. She has recurring pain in her neck and back. She feels like stress is a dominant factor in her life and in her experience of pain, and she wishes that were different. Relaxing is so foreign for her that she finds it more painful to lie down and let go, than to keep going and push through. As well, she wishes she could just go home at the same time as the rest of her colleagues (instead of always staying so late) and sees her perfectionistic tendencies as an obstacle to her enjoying life outside of her work.

It's very normal to blame ourselves when we take on too much, get run down or burnt-out. Taking care of ourselves is not something that we are taught to make a priority. And not easy when you’re used to taking care of everyone and everything else before your turn arrives.

How often do we hear from the people around us to slow down and take a break?

However, what I've noticed with many of my clients is that they get stuck when trying to integrate more self-care, because they have this misconception about what self-care actually is. But here's the thing, self-care doesn't look the same for everyone, and you're not "doing it right" because you got a massage or took a bath. Those could be part of your self-care rituals eventually, but they're not usually the things that make the biggest impact.

Self care does NOT need to look like beating yourself up and adding a bunch of things to your to-do list that probably won’t get done.

Things that work against self-care and keep you stuck:

• Feeling bad about what you haven’t been doing

We all let life take over sometimes and that’s okay. All you have to do is take a breath and reorient yourself to the situation you are in at the moment.

• Adding a bunch of self-care items to your to-do list

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to take something off your list

• Changing your behaviour drastically

You are not a bad person for being tired and overwhelmed, you haven’t done anything wrong. This is normal and happens to us all. The question is more what could you do slightly differently tomorrow that would help you be in line with a less overwhelmed and stressed out version of yourself. Change happens in tandem anyways…. Many times after we change our environment is when we start to see the changes we wanted to see in ourselves.

• Setting unrealistic goals - ex. I will meditate for 1 hour every day from now on.

Setting unrealistic goals when you are already tired, stressed and overwhelmed is like fighting fire with fire. We need to take things off the plate, not add on. But interestingly, part of taking things off the plate is addressing how you set goals for yourself, and how you communicate with yourself.

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Things that help cultivate self-care:

• Find the wiggle room, no moment is too small

Where is there space for you throughout your day to take a little break, to sit by yourself, to be with just yourself and your thoughts? Is there space for you to sit and listen to calming music, drink a warm cup of tea, or do anything that helps your feel more grounded?

• Ask for help! Oh my gosh, we were never meant to do it all alone!

This is a big one. We are so conditioned to feeling like we have to do it all alone. I could write a whole other email on this alone! I probably will.

• Learn to recognize how it feels when you’re doing something you don’t actually want to be doing.

Pushing through activities that don’t feel good add to our stress-levels and make life in general more challenging. This is part of a deeper topic of being honest with yourself and learning about your own needs outside of external expectations.

• Allow yourself to step back and reorganize what is and isn’t important to yourself

One of the biggest energy drainers is spending time on things that don’t feel important. On the contrary however, learning to balance often conflicting needs about what is important i.e. me-time and work-time is part of the challenge. There might need to be some time spent there on understanding your values and priorities.

• Allow yourself to find another option that maybe you didn’t think was available to you before

There’s always another option…

• Start with something small that you can change and be consistent with.

This will help build your confidence in yourself and give yourself a win.

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In this case my client found that she rarely allows herself to ask for help and how that wasn’t really a solution that she had thought about before. We haven’t solved all her issues with this realization of course, but we are one-step closer to figuring out a roadmap for her to help her work towards that version of herself that she envisions.

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When it comes to self-care what are some of your struggles?

Hit reply to this email and let me know. I want to hear from you.

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Have a great day.

Love, Christine

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P.S.

If you're looking for more support check out the FREE monthly support group I run:

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